


i'm mr loverman, and i miss my lover, man.

by katsukki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Death is off screen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm so sorry, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Tsukishima Kei, Short One Shot, The Author Regrets Everything, Tsukishima Kei is a Mess, What Have I Done, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Little Shit, or was a little shit, the death isn't actually written in the fic, this is just really sad, tsukishima pines for someone he'll never see again!! bc they're dead!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsukki/pseuds/katsukki
Summary: Like how a wick falls into the wax of a candle, how it drowns in the thing it is destined to be with, Tsukishima feels the warmth that Yamaguchi always brought him seep out of him, going down to his fingertips and escaping into the atmosphere, despite how desperately he’s trying to cling to that warmth. The empty feeling in his heart has grown into a crater, the hole becoming larger and filled to the brim with ice. His warmth is gone, just like his Yamaguchi, his ocean, his mountain…
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 11





	i'm mr loverman, and i miss my lover, man.

**Author's Note:**

> this is an emotional shit show.  
> title is from mr loverman by ricky montgomery, if you want to listen to it while reading, i suggest it slowed & reverb at a quiet volume :]

_There is something so satisfying about the crunch of a leaf as you step on it, the sound and the feeling. Sometimes, though, you can’t help but feel as though you are the leaf, with the world apathetically shattering you, just for the satisfaction of hearing you break._ _  
_  
...  
  
It’s always so busy in the middle of Autumn, the smell of the pumpkin-flavored things Yamaguchi adored coming from the various shops always wafted around him, a constant reminder that held hands with the soft breeze that caused his hair to dance around like it didn’t have a care in the world. There’s floating conversations around Tsukishima, some directed at the blonde with a permanent frown, probably telling him to move his ass, some directed at lovers, some at enemies, at friends. The rain is hitting the pavement, and he’s suddenly reminded of how Yamaguchi always loved rain. Whenever it rained outside, he would open the window to listen despite Tsukishima’s protests. He just laughed at Tsukishima as he pulled the window open anyway, and whenever the thunder started he’d hide himself in Tsukishima’s chest. Yamaguchi was always so, so warm…   
  
  
  
Someone rushes past him, and that sharp, cool breeze reminds him of the harsh reality he lives in. Tsukishima now started walking again, one step after the other, just like Yamagcuhi always told him to do on the days where it felt like putting one foot in front of the other felt like the hardest thing to do. The busy streets Tsukishima now strangely finds comforting, seeing people walk past him, some with the brightest smiles on their faces, others looking like they’d rather be anywhere but here. A child runs past him, excitedly yelling at their mother about some toy they’d seen, only to smack into an older gentleman, who only gave a soft grunt and sent the kid on their way.   
  
  
  
Tsukishima can’t help but notice the glances he gets from some of Yamaguchi’s friends, and they call out to him, and then they ask him where Yamaguchi has been. He’s been ignoring their texts for weeks, is he doing well? They’d ask, unaware of the wounds they’ve ripped. Tsukishima can’t bring himself to say that he's gone. He can’t bear to be the reason someone is as miserable as he am. Is miserable even the proper word? He thinks to himself as he takes the corner in the pavement, miserable but deciding to continue in his original direction. He’s isn’t really sure where he’s going anymore, his feet going one in front of the other, without purpose, without rhyme or reason. More people yell out to him, asking him if he wants to buy this, try that, subscribe to this. Their voices are screaming, but it feels like his head is being forced underwater, their sounds distorted, the tv static falling on deaf ears.   
  
  
  
Yamaguchi always loved the ocean. He always said he couldn’t wait to go one day, when they had saved enough money. _I wish I had taken you,_ Tsukishima catches himself thinking. _you would’ve looked so amazing. Maybe it could've been our first date, our first kiss. Maybe I could’ve held you there, long enough to change the past. Long enough for me to put you to memory, the way your warmth spread around me like a river feeds into that ocean you loved, the way your eyes lit up like the moon that reflected the waves. Maybe I could’ve been your moon, endlessly pulling you closer to me._   
  
  
  
Like how a wick falls into the wax of a candle, how it drowns in the thing it is destined to be with, Tsukishima feels the warmth that Yamaguchi always brought him seep out of him, going down to his fingertips and escaping into the atmosphere, despite how desperately he’s trying to cling to that warmth. The empty feeling in his heart has grown into a crater, the hole becoming larger and filled to the brim with ice. His warmth is gone, just like his Yamaguchi, his ocean, his mountain…  
  
This city is packed with people, whose worlds are still spinning. And they are so blissfully unaware of the fact that Tsukishima’s world is no longer rotating, and that he has lost his spring, his summer, and his fall. Tsukishima’s earth is stuck in a permanent winter, his ocean stuck at low-tide, and his universe has stopped spinning.   


**Author's Note:**

> god i am so fucking sorry for writing this, it was originally written in first person and it honestly hurt a lot more but there was literally NO way to tell it was tsukkiyama, also i wrote this a couple months ago? idk it's been rough and i think this was just a vent  
> im so sorry for killing yamaguchi i didnt mean it. and yes yamaguchi loved him too butthey never said anything :// and for extra pain: tsukishima still has yet to say "i loved him" or any sort of thing Out Loud even after his passing


End file.
